I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
