I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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