And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
