I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
