evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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