My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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