I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
