I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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