Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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