Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
