we have pet lesbian snakes
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the condom got lost in my hair
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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