i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
