I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
