Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize