is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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