So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
