Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
