Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
