Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
