I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
