Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
