Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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