Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
