She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
