How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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