so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
