The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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