my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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