I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
