Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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