ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
