Hey man sorry I got all grabby
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
