True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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