too bad you live with your parents still
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
