That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
