Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
