i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
