Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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