life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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