Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
