so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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