Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
