You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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