everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
