I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
