My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
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