We named our party play list daddy issues
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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