so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I need water and some morals
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
