the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
