I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
only you would photoshop your dick
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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