you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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