I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
