I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
