I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
