I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
