I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize