Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
