WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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